Friday, November 2, 2012

Movember: NHL Style Guide

The moustache has endured in hockey, much like the mullet, even during times when it has fallen out of favour with the general population.

Now moustaches are given a whole month, whether in style or not, all for raising money/awareness for prostate cancer

If you are growing a moustache for Movember and are having a hard time determining how to style your soup strainer, why not look to the pros.

The internet has plenty of style guides already available (like here, here, here, and here), but they won't tell you what is NHL-chic.

The Zappa
A throwback to the days of free love, drugs, and booze. Now, just a reminder that you probably listened to terrible, over-wrought, self-indulgent music.

The Saber-toothed Tiger
This moustache was used by hunters thousands of years ago when on the prowl for saber-toothed tigers. The expansive moustache tricked the tigers into believing they were looking at one of their own. Once they realized they were looking into the eyes of a man, it was too late.

The Walrus
Like the Saber-toothed Tiger, but for the salt n' pepper gentleman.

The Trucker
In Canada, driving a big rig for commercial purposes requires a special license and proof of The Trucker. Many would-be drivers have seen their dreams dashed when test administrators ripped off their phony felt moustaches. Also known as the Horseshoe, but often erroneously called a handlebar moustache.

The Wisp
Although you can barely grow a moustache, you try your best because Movember is about raising money for charity, not looking like Tom Selleck (that would just be a nice bonus).

The Chevron
Thicker than a Northern Ontario forest, and extending past the border of the lips. You can't chain me, lips! Is what your moustache would say if it could talk.

The Copstash Standard
Not quite as thick as the Chevron, and not nearly as rogue. Extends past the lips but doesn't extend into trucker territory. When cops run foul of the chief they have to hand in their gun, badge, and moustache.

The Fu Manchu
Like the Trucker, but not as thick. It's usually long enough to flow down past the chin. Popular with old karate masters or weird alien-like hockey players.

The Inmate
Combining the Trucker and a lengthy soul patch (which hasn't ever been cool, despite what 1997 tells you). If you don't have it when you enter prison, you will when you exit prison (note: with a moustache like this you might as well just stay in prison).

The Lampshade
For the OCD individual. This moustache is meticulously groomed, never allowed to grow any further than the outside of the lips and always forming a nice box-shaped lampshade.

The Pyramidal
Two diagonal highways headed directly to your nostrils. A style popular with jazz cats.

The Elongated Hitler
For people who want to look like the world's most evil dictator, but have that nagging feeling inside them that they're making the wrong choices in life. No matter, just agree to appease and the normal Hitler moustache will annex your chin.

The Handlebar
Although the name is often misattributed to the Trucker, a true handlebar moustache actually has the little twirls on the ends. This style was popularized in sports by Rollie Fingers in the 1970s. Now is a style popular with hipsters.

The Painter's Brush
Taking this moustache off and using it to paint your house would make the usually irksome chore of painting into child's play.

The After Eight
A combination of the Pyramidal and the Wisp. It's almost always best accompanied by long, shaggy hair and a voice that says, "Dude, pass the munchies."

The Mutton Chops
Not technically a moustache, but a good way to distract on-lookers away from Upper Lip Follicle Deficiency Disorder.

The Pencil
The thinner, the better. You want to look like you just drew your moustache on earlier this morning. Also see: Waters, John.

For those who want a moustache, but don't have the genetic predisposition. The Photoshop allows you to put anything you choose on your upper lip. You can even get fancy and add a cat's tail and call it a day.
The MS Paint
For those who want The Photoshop, but don't want to pay $800 for the license.

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