The Leafs made the playoffs for the first time in nine years and I almost missed it.

With how the series came crashing down catastrophically at the end, maybe that would have been for the best. But even after enduring insanely improbable heartbreak, the Leafs at least had a chance. And after nearly a decade lost in the bleak wilderness of apathy, I wouldn't trade this season, ending and all, for another lottery finish.

I almost missed the most relevant Leafs hockey in nine years because I was invited to a destination wedding in Punta Cana that inconveniently coincided with games 3-6.

Tip for anyone thinking about getting married: Book it before or after the playoffs, even if you're an Oilers fan and the chances of your wedding interfering with the playoffs is nil (Hey! I can make fun of other teams that don't make the playoffs now and it feels great). Otherwise, make accommodations for your insane hockey friends. For example, I went to a Stag and Doe on the night of Game 2 and one of the groomsmen brought his satellite dish from home and hooked it up so no one had to miss the game (or, more likely, the Stag and Doe). If you're having your wedding this might interfere with things like speeches, but just crank up the volume during intermission and it'll be like Don Cherry is giving you a personal wedding toast. "Keep your stick on the ice, even in the bedroom."

Bringing a satellite dish to Punta Cana probably wasn't going to happen, not that I was worried when I was first invited. I've had my plane tickets booked since last Autumn, well before the NHL lockout even ended, so I initially didn't think my trip south would be anything other than blissful. I wasn't overly optimistic about Toronto's chances heading into the season either, so even when the lockout ended I didn't think a trip in early May would be an issue. There are 10-year-old children who didn't even know the Leafs were allowed to play hockey in May. But as the season crept along, and the Leafs continued to pile on wins, I began to slowly realize that this trip was going to prove challenging.

For normal people, taking a trip to an all-inclusive resort with beautiful sunny weather would wash away any thoughts about a hockey game. Unfortunately, as a Leafs fan, I'm far from normal, and I was in a slight panic. Where was I going to watch the game? Was there an ESPN5 that would at least show some highlights, albeit after three hours of football and basketball coverage? How could I argue with bartenders about the merits of Jake Gardiner over Mike Kostka if I couldn't speak a lick of Spanish (other than "dos cervezas por favor").

After a win in Game 2, it became even more imperative that I watch this series. It was actually going to be a series, not a one-sided beating like many predicted. Luckily, there was a good contingent of Leafs fans going to the wedding, so I wouldn't be alone on my quest to find hockey.

And a quest it was. Here is how my (possibly hazy) memory recalls the week.

"how happy is the sportless vestal's lot
the world forgetting, by the world forgot
eternal sunshine of the sportless mind
each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned"

- adapted from "Eloisa to Abelard," by Alexander Pope

People hate Pierre McGuire. His most redeeming quality is looking like The Master of Disguise dressed as a turtle. Yes, that is a terrible movie and an old enough reference that probably three people thought it was funny. Yes, that is his most redeeming quality.

When I attempted to answer the time-tested question, "Why do people hate Pierre McGuire?" the response was overwhelming. People just don't like him, and they Google their hatred for him a lot.

Mercifully, Pierre McGuire was hired by NBC in 2011, so his presence (at least in Canada, sorry America, you're stuck with him) is minimal. However, his void as the most annoying on-air Canadian personality was filled almost immediately—like a decapitated hydra—by Glenn Healy.

People end up here quite frequently by Googling their hatred for Healy, as well.  So, why do people hate Glen Healy? Let me count the ways.

Looking at the Leafs' stats after the season is a little strange as the lockout caused far lower totals than I'm accustomed to seeing. I'm used to thinking that 30 goals is a pretty solid season for a sniper and it's hard to quickly determine what that 30-goal mark would be during a 48-game season. So to get a better understanding of what type of season the individual Leafs players just had I prorated their 48-game totals to their corresponding 82-game numbers.

The one major caveat of this table is that the missing 34 games of the season would not necessarily play out exactly the same as the other 48, so simply prorating players' 48-game stats over 82 games isn't exactly a precise measure of what an 82-game season would look like. For example, Joffrey Lupul, a career 11.55% shooter, was probably not going to continue shooting 26% over a full year.

Regardless, this table is a quick and dirty look at what the Leafs might have produced in the alternate universe where Gary Bettman didn't flush away the first 34 games of the season.

	Lockout-Shortened 2013 Season				Stats Over Full Season
	GP	G	A	Pts	GP	G	A	Pts
Phil Kessel	48	20	32	52	82	34	55	89
Nazem Kadri	48	18	26	44	82	31	44	75
James van Riemsdyk	48	18	14	32	82	31	24	55
Cody Franson	45	4	25	29	77	7	43	50
Dion Phaneuf	48	9	19	28	82	15	32	48
Tyler Bozak	46	12	16	28	79	21	27	48
Nikolai Kulemin	48	7	16	23	82	12	27	39
Clarke MacArthur	40	8	12	20	68	14	21	34
Joffrey Lupul	16	11	7	18	27	19	12	31
Jay McClement	48	8	9	17	82	14	15	29
Mikhail Grabovski	48	9	7	16	82	15	12	27
Carl Gunnarrson	37	1	14	15	63	2	24	26
Matt Frattin	25	7	6	13	43	12	10	22
John-Michael Liles	32	2	9	11	55	3	15	19
Leo Komorov	42	4	5	9	72	7	9	15
Mark Fraser	45	0	8	8	77	0	14	14
Mike Kostka	35	0	8	8	60	0	14	14
Ryan O'Byrne	42	2	4	6	72	3	7	10
Frazer McClaren	36	3	2	5	62	5	3	9
Colton Orr	44	1	3	4	75	2	5	7
Jake Gardiner	12	0	4	4	21	0	7	7
Korbinian Holzer	22	2	1	3	38	3	2	5
Ryan Hamilton	10	0	2	2	17	0	3	3
Joe Colborne	5	0	0	0	9	0	0	0
Mike Komisarek	4	0	0	0	7	0	0	0