Friday, May 25, 2012

The Definitive Guide to Playoff Facial Hair

lanny macdonald beard
Growing a beard in the playoffs is a long-standing tradition in the NHL. But thanks to genetics, not everyone can grow the prototypical Lanny MacDonald beard. Some are left working with what they have, which in some cases (Sidney Crosby) is thinner than your socially awkward 12-year-old neighbour's unintentional dirt stache.

Others may have a lot of hair, but no idea how to style their declaration of manhood. But thanks to this handy styling guide, players no longer have to worry about what to do with their facial hair. Just set the electric razor to trim and happy styling! (But seriously don't shave your playoff beard, it is 100% unacceptable).

Special hat-tip to NHL Beardoffs for many of the great images. Check them out to follow the progress of some of your favourite beards throughout the playoffs.

The Crazed Hobo
A beard out of control. Hair everywhere. Crazed eyes. A look only a goalie or a hobo could pull off. See also: Daniel Alfredsson, the Clown Years

The Guy Fawkes
"Remember, remember the 5th of November. The gunpowder treason and plot. I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot," is what Boyle is telling the ref in an attempt to escape being sentenced to the penalty box. Sorry, Brian, slashing is still a penalty regardless of whether or not you think it's just.

The Springsteen
A beard that exudes self-confidence, a hint of desperation, and above all else, rock n' roll. Taken straight from the cover of The Wild, the Innocent, and the E Street Shuffle, a time when Springsteen was on the cusp of out of this world superstardom, except nobody knew it yet. Rocking a patchy beard like it's full shows ultimate faith in oneself.

The Woolly Mammoth
More hair than face. The type of facial hair cave men had when they braved the cold world to battle woolly mammoths or some sort of crazy snow dinosaur that movies haven't invented yet. A beard that might as well be the pelt of a woolly mammoth.

 The Five O'clock Shadow
For the meticulous groomer. The look of a beard without the food crumbs or the bird's nest that is a byproduct of The Woolly Mammoth.

The Evil Twin
The type of facial hair that says I own a cape and a top hat. The type of facial hair that also says I tie up damsels in distress to train tracks and laugh maniacally.

The Porn Stache
Also known as The Hipster when it is grown by those under 30.

The Little Boy
Because one day you will hit puberty, but until then you can pretend that you just shaved yesterday.

The Geard
A ginger beard. Was the explanation really necessary?

The Dandelion
 Like The Geard, but with blonde hair.

The Legend
Because when you're a living legend you can do anything with your face and people have to respect you regardless. Case in point: Michael Jordan grew a Hitler moustache because he could.

The Face Ruiner
The rare time when a beard is a bad thing in the playoffs. Women and men all over the world weep for the national treasure that is being offensively obscured. This style increases the chances of having your beard randomly attacked on the street with a razor.

The Wet Dog
Similar to The Crazed Hobo, but slightly more refined.

The Salt n' Pepper
The mark of a true warrior. A sign of a player who is still playing at a high level despite his body telling the whole world, "I'm old!" 

The Wisp
You won't be winning any awards for this beard, unless you count a participant's ribbon as an award. Your effort will be respected, but your face will look like it got caught in the way of a passing tumble weed. 

The Neck Beard
Also popular with the under-30 hipster crowd. A true neck beard covers equal parts neck and face. Sometimes signals that a beard has become too power hungry and is attempting to take over other parts of the body.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You missed one: Shea Weber and the Sasquatch beard

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