Saturday, March 29, 2014

15 Signs Your Team is in a Death Spiral

We're at that point in the season, ladies and gentlemen: The inevitable Toronto Maple Leafs Death Spiral. This event is so common that there are telltale signs that every Leafs fan knows. If you're wondering whether your team is in a Death Spiral, consult the handy chart below.

1. Not only are you knowledgeable about the potential first overall picks in the next few drafts, but you are even trying to get detailed scouting information on 16-year-old juniors eligible for the 2016 draft.

2. Friends and co-workers are genuinely concerned about your well-being. Instead of asking how your weekend was they softly place a hand on your should and ask how you're doing. "But seriously, are you okay?"

3. You start seeing your coach's resume pop up on LinkedIn.

4. Goals no longer bring joy, instead they bring the creeping realization that a lead is about to be blown. Flashbacks to past traumatic events may persist. If you notice a friend rocking back and forth muttering "it was 4-1..." it's best to leave them be.

5. The list of scapegoats has gotten so long that fans are even calling for the water boy to be traded.

6. There is a paper bag shortage in the city.

7. The names of former coaches are sounding pretty appealing right now. What's Ron Wilson up to these days? Is Pat Quinn's old folks home accepting visitors at this hour? What sort of voodoo would awaken Punch Imlach?

8. When fans of other teams laugh at your team's misfortune you have no witty reply. Just a resigned sigh. "We suck. We all suck."

9. The local golf courses are being booked up well in advance. "Man, this T. Bozak sure has a lot of time on his hands in mid-April."

10. You have CapGeek's cap buyout page bookmarked.

11. The losing streak has gone on so longer that fans are throwing butter and syrup on the ice to go along with the waffles.

12. You're excited for sports you otherwise wouldn't have paid any attention to. "Go Raptors!" "Kick the ball, soccer guy!"

13. The major goaltending controversy is still about who sits on the bench. But now it's an argument between the two goalies because no one wants to play behind this sorry team.

14. When dreaming about off-season moves you always pencil in two good players to be run out of town because even dreams need some realism.

15. The GM gives the coach the kiss of death: "Our coach isn't going anywhere. His job is secure."

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