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Thursday, January 24, 2013

67 Reasons Why the Leafs Will Win a Stanley Cup before You Die

leafs stanley cup
Welcome to the world, new baby. Lucky you, you won your first race. And even luckier for you, you have two loving parents, ones that just happen to love the Toronto Maple Leafs. Yes, the team that hasn't won a Stanley Cup in 45 years. Man, news travels fast these days. Well, don't you worry, because any parent who truly loves their child is going to brainwash them into loving the Leafs regardless.

Plus, there are plenty of reasons why the Leafs will win a Stanley Cup in your lifetime. Here, I wrote them down.

1. Canadians now have a life expectancy of 81.23 years. Americans have a life expectancy of 78.11 years.

2. Something is bound to happen in 80 years. Even something as improbable as the Maple Leafs winning a Stanley Cup.

3. Why? Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while.

4. Sure, MLSE is like a blind squirrel that prefers to build tree condos rather than hunt for acorns, but just by pure, dumb luck an acorn is bound to fall and hit the blind MLSE squirrel on its head.

5. With 30 teams in the league, the odds of winning the Stanley Cup are 1 in 30 or 3.33%. The chances of not winning the Stanley Cup are much better—96.67%. However, the chances of not winning the Stanley Cup 80 years in a row? 6.6%. Admittedly, that's twice as likely as it is for the Leafs to win the Cup in any one year but...

6. That means there's a 93.4% chance that the Leafs will win at least one Stanley Cup in the next 80 years. Positives!

7. Combined with the Leafs' current 45-year Cup drought, the chances of the Leafs going another 80 years without a Stanley Cup is astonishingly small—only 0.75%.

8. As far as we know, the laws of mathematics still apply to the Maple Leafs... probably.

9. You are more likely to die by suicide (lifetime odds are 1-in-121, or 0.82%) than you are to go an entire life without seeing the Leafs win a cup.

10. If in 80 years you haven't seen the Leafs win the Stanley Cup you may as well tell the nurse to pull the plug.

11. If you read that and thought, "Math is for nerds!" here's a different way of looking at the Leafs' chances: If Screech from Saved by the Bell has a sextape, that means somebody slept with the biggest dork in television history... If Screech can get laid, the Leafs can win the cup.

12. For the atheists: There is no Hell, and therefore, nothing that will have to improbably freeze over before the Maple Leafs win a cup.

13. It is really cold in Toronto right now, however. So cold, in fact, that Hell may very well be frozen over, meaning a Stanley Cup is on its way. Toronto has a well-earned reputation as being Sports Hell, according to fans, so don't bet against it.

14. For the religious: God is merciful.

Justin Bieber Leafs
15. Although appealing to the Justin Bieber market by signing a goalie that the teen sensation could score on sounded like a good idea at the time, it won't be a priority going forward.

16. The Leafs are the most profitable team in the league by a wide margin. Someday a Leafs GM will realize the NHL is not a morality contest and will use that money as a competitive advantage.

17. According to New York Yankees fans, money does not buy happiness, but it sure does buy a lot of championships! Note: New York Yankees fans are incapable of feeling happiness because they do not have souls.

18. The Boston Red Sox won two World Series titles after being largely terrible for 80 years and they were cursed.

19. The Maple Leafs are not cursed.

20. The Chicago Cubs have not won a World Series in over 100 years, but they are cursed and incompetent.

21. The Maple Leafs are only incompetent.

22. Being incompetent is not a barrier to success. For example: George W. Bush, the guy who created the Pet Rock, Honey Boo Boo's Mom, Donald Trump.

23. If all these lockouts are any indication, NHL owners are so greedy that they will likely resort to selling the Stanley Cup at some point.

24. If the Maple Leafs can't win a Stanley Cup when they just have to outbid the New York Rangers, Montreal Canadiens, and a bunch of poor teams, you might as well change loyalties right now.

25. With the growing rate of concussions, in 50 years the league will be nothing more than an annual NHL 94 tournament.

26. Luckily for Leafs fans, Down Goes Brown didn't realize EA Sports kept updating the game, so it's the only version he's ever played, meaning the Leafs should have a pretty good shot.

27. Plus, the upcoming concussion endemic will bypass the Maple Leafs completely.

28. Why? Because even after major hits, Leafs players have shown an uncanny ability to avoid concussions. Sure, they suffer mysterious concussion-like symptoms attributed to neck injuries, but they don't suffer concussions. No sir, they do not.

Rob Ford Toronto fired
"Just wait until he fills out his frame," a blind scout said.
29. The Maple Leafs will never again look this bad.

30. When MLSE realizes that a fan paid $5300 for a toilet from the team's old dressing room at Maple Leaf Gardens, they will stop at nothing to win a Stanley Cup. Not to reward the fan's crazed loyalty, but to sell off everything imaginable to a bunch of other suckers who will pay twice as much for a used bar of soap from a Stanley Cup run.

31. Once increased revenue sharing kicks in the Leafs will be paying 80% of the league's payroll anyways, so they will contribute to many Stanley Cup winners. That counts for something, right?

32. The Tyler Seguin-Dougie Hamilton-Tuukka Rask trifecta of awesomeness in Boston will teach future Leafs GMs that trading top draft picks and top prospects is a dumb, dumb idea.

33. Or someone will realize the simplest solution to the Leafs' problems is just calling the phone company and getting Peter Chiarelli's number blocked.

34. Then, even if the Leafs are bad, they will at least have their first-round picks. And if the Leafs are bad long enough (which probably is the least unlikely thing I have written), they will eventually have so many good players they will have to be good.

35. Plus, with draft picks to actually use the Leafs will have no choice but to pour money into scouting and developing, which will improve their chances considerably.

36. The Leafs will never again foolishly trade two first-round picks on the same day.

37. The world is just: Therefore, the Maple Leafs will win a Cup, to the delight of everyone who loves them.

38. The world is unjust: Therefore, the Maple Leafs will win a Cup, to the outrage of everyone who hates them.

39. Christ will rise again, apparently within the next few decades according to this nut, meaning an elite starting goalie will finally be on the free agent market. When religious people say "Jesus saves" they are talking about his goaltending ability, right?

40. Every sports movie ever has shown the good guys win, despite usually starting out terrible. If the scrubs from Mighty Ducks can win the championship against the Hawks, under the guidance of the worst movie coach in history no less, then surely the Maple Leafs can win the Stanley Cup.

new robocop movie
Tim Connolly: RoboCentre
41. In the future, sports medicine will become so good that players will basically become robots. The Maple Leafs will be on the cutting edge since they have the perfect candidate for risky human-robot transmutations: Tim Connolly. Hey, he's gone under the knife so many times to get fixed up already, he'll be fine getting a pair of robot legs if that's what it takes to make it back to the NHL.

42. Since Brian Burke is no longer GM, attributes other than truculence and an American passport will once again be considered by Leafs scouts.

43. Since Cliff Fletcher invented a time machine, there is the potential to rectify countless management blunders. Unless, of course, MLSE catches wind of the plan and just wants to bring back a sports almanac to win money gambling.

44. As you have undoubtedly already heard, the Leafs were only able to win the Stanley Cup in a 6-team league. If the NHL's financial situation is as dire as owners suggested during the lockout, it won't be long before the Leafs are playing in a 6-team league once again.

45. The last seven years have probably been the worst stretch in team history (the 80s were terrible, but the Leafs somehow made the playoffs despite never finishing with a winning record). There is nowhere to go but up.

46. Sure, the same is true when you're buried, but with all the talk of a zombie apocalypse that might be the better side of the ground to start.

47. Everything in sports is cyclic. There are ups and downs. Well, Toronto as a whole, not just the Leafs, have been on one of the most brutal, city-wide downturns in sports history. Clearly, that means a Boston-like wave of championships is in the future. Even for TFC (but not really, though, they're terrible).

hamburglar stanley cup leafs

48. With the Hockey Hall of Fame located in Toronto, it is only a matter of time before the Leafs hire a burglar to steal the trophy. I vote this guy.

49.  The Stanley Cup is also brazen enough to walk around all summer long with only two bodyguards. That's a prime kidnapping opportunity if I ever heard of one.

50. Wait, there's an easier way to take the Stanley Cup. No, not win it fairly (why would I make this list if that was realistic). Everyone has their price, so MLSE can just pay Philip Pritchard to turn heel and join MLSE.

wwe leafs stanley cup hulk hogan

51. The scenario: Bettman is walking onto the ice after the Stanley Cup Final and Pritchard is following with the Stanley Cup. But instead of putting it down, he turns around and clocks Bettman over the head with the Cup. Dave Nonis comes out and spray paints MLSE on the Cup and there is a New World Order in the NHL.

52. All good things must come to an end. So all the Schadenfreude that Leafs haters have been feeling watching continual Leafs failure will end in a blaze of Stanley Cup glory.

53. Dave Nonis has sent in a lot of entries to "Win a Day with the Stanley Cup."

54. The best scientists in the world are working hard to cure Blue and White disease.

55. The best scientists are also working on a way to re-animate the 1932 Toronto Maple Leafs.

56. I called Miss Cleo and her tarot cards revealed a Stanley Cup was in my future!

57. Psychics are never wrong about anything. Well, unless you count Psychic Nikki, who predicted a Leafs Stanley Cup in 2009, or the guy who predicted another Leafs Stanley Cup in 2012.

58. After hearing one of his helpers told a 3-year-old the Leafs suck, the real Santa will make sure there is a belated present this year for Leafs fans because he isn't a monster.

59. Plus, Leafs fans have been given coal for too long. How about a shiny, new Nathan MacKinnon to make up for it? Maybe a Seth Jones? I hope you left lots of milk and cookies for Santa.

60. Rumour has it Alex Anthopolous is next in line for the GM duties.

61. With a lengthy lockout sapping money from the league, the obvious remedy is a Stanley Cup run in Toronto. Fans will buy merchandise faster than you can say HRR. Unfortunately, the team stinks, so some careful rigging will be required. Oh, get off your high horse, Leafs fans. You know you'd gladly accept a Stanley Cup even if it was because a mysterious strain of Ebola ripped through the rest of the league.

62. The Love Guru was not a movie, it was a prophecy.

63. The Flames are always in the market for a good lopsided trade. When the phone company is blocking Peter Chiarelli's number, Dave Nonis can ask to make all calls route through the Flames front office first.

64. When the condo bubble bursts in Toronto, MLSE will remember it owns a hockey team. Raptors fans will be happy to know MLSE will then discover that Bryan Colangelo has been dead for four years and everything will suddenly make much more sense.

65. Brian Burke will come back as the GM of a rival team and offer three first-round picks for Phil Kessel, just to outdo himself.

66. Karma for the 100 millionth person who made the same "1967" joke.

67. Good things come to those who wait.

3 comments:

Geoff said...

I like that this article is tagged nWo. I just really hope they win so that we're not sad defeatists as parents, like "Well Jimmy, the Leafs have never won the Stanley Cup while I've been alive. Soon you'll lose all hope too!"

Matt Horner said...

I think the nWo scenario is the best chance the Leafs have at the cup. It will be fun, especially when Brian Burke creates nWo wolfpack.

Brent Miller said...

You people are freaking nuts... the Leafs will win with good management, great coaching and skilled players...

OK... forget it... I will go with the Love Guru line of thinking...

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