Saturday, January 1, 2011

Toronto Maple Leafs New Year's Resolutions

phaneuf leafs winter
The end of the year is a time for reflection and during this reflection most people realize they were generally pretty bad people the year before. People make resolutions to volunteer to help others, donate more to the poor, get fit, eat healthier, or swear at strangers less. According to Wikipedia (the ultimate source), only 12% of people actually achieve their goals. This would explain why gyms are packed in January and become as sparse as ever by February. How do I know that? I’m the one taking up space for a few futile weeks in January.

So in the spirit of the pointlessness of New Years Resolutions, let’s look at another group of (generally) useless people – your 2010-2011 Toronto Maple Leafs! Here are some people who should set goals they certainly won’t achieve.

The guys over at PPP are doing the same, but I swear it’s a matter of great minds think alike rather than me poaching their idea.

So, without further ado, here are the New Year’s Resolutions for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Colby Armstrong – Write a book describing how to be loved by a city without scoring more than 5 points.

Francois Beauchemin – Tell Wilson you’re not actually a number 1 defenceman and shouldn’t be used like one.

Tyler Bozak – Less tweets, more time on the scoresheet.

Tim Brent – Enjoy this year in the NHL while it lasts.

Mike Brown – Find other macho dudes with moustaches to form a Village People tribute band.

Brian Burke – Tell the Ducks to hire Darryl Sutter as their new GM.

J.S. Giguere – Strengthen your groin, learn how to stop more pucks, and then teach Gustvasson how to stop more pucks.

Mikhail Grabovski – Make sure OMGrabovski catches on.

Carl Gunnarsson – Read the doctor’s pamphlet for recovering from the sophomore slump.

Jonas Gustavsson – Promise not to yell at teammates when things go poorly.

Tomas Kaberle – Send JFJ a nice thank-you card for the NTC he so willingly gave you. Utilize your contractual rights and supply Burke with a list of teams you’re willing to play for by the deadline (Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Marlies).

Nazem Kadri – Invest in a few jugs of whey protein. Failing that, contact Jose Canseco.

Phil Kessel – Prove to everyone that Burke traded for a franchise player.

Mike Komisarek – Convince Ron Wilson you’re capable of playing more than 10 minutes a night. Call Andrei Markov and sell him on the merits of re-uniting and playing for the Leafs.

Nikolai Kulemin – Catch that little rat Tyler Seguin with his head down. Or just start hitting more people in general.

Brett Lebda – Learn the names of everyone on the Marlies and become BFFs with Jeff Finger.

Clarke MacArthur – Clip your stats from the paper and send them to the Atlanta Thrashers. Don’t cry when they send back a clipping of the standings.

John Mitchell – Continue whatever it is you’re doing that makes Ron Wilson believe you’re a capable NHL player. If in doubt convince him your name is actually Luke Schenn.

Colton Orr – Advise Matt Carkner about the merits of taking out a hefty life insurance policy.

Dion Phaneuf – Learn to shoot with your eyes open with the goal of eventually hitting the net.

Luke Schenn – Try your hardest not to get inflicted with the loser disease that seems to affect everyone who plays here.

Fredrik Sjostrom – Start looking for a good real estate agent.

Kris Versteeg – Make people forget who Viktor Stalberg is (unless he does so himself).

Ron Wilson – Try to coach the special teams in a manner that can’t be described as laissez-faire.

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