Saturday, January 1, 2011
So in the spirit of the pointlessness of New Years Resolutions, let’s look at another group of (generally) useless people – your 2010-2011 Toronto Maple Leafs! Here are some people who should set goals they certainly won’t achieve.
The guys over at PPP are doing the same, but I swear it’s a matter of great minds think alike rather than me poaching their idea.
So, without further ado, here are the New Year’s Resolutions for the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Colby Armstrong – Write a book describing how to be loved by a city without scoring more than 5 points.
Francois Beauchemin – Tell Wilson you’re not actually a number 1 defenceman and shouldn’t be used like one.
Tyler Bozak – Less tweets, more time on the scoresheet.
Tim Brent – Enjoy this year in the NHL while it lasts.
Mike Brown – Find other macho dudes with moustaches to form a Village People tribute band.
Brian Burke – Tell the Ducks to hire Darryl Sutter as their new GM.
J.S. Giguere – Strengthen your groin, learn how to stop more pucks, and then teach Gustvasson how to stop more pucks.
Mikhail Grabovski – Make sure OMGrabovski catches on.
Carl Gunnarsson – Read the doctor’s pamphlet for recovering from the sophomore slump.
Jonas Gustavsson – Promise not to yell at teammates when things go poorly.
Tomas Kaberle – Send JFJ a nice thank-you card for the NTC he so willingly gave you. Utilize your contractual rights and supply Burke with a list of teams you’re willing to play for by the deadline (Toronto Maple Leafs, Toronto Marlies).
Nazem Kadri – Invest in a few jugs of whey protein. Failing that, contact Jose Canseco.
Phil Kessel – Prove to everyone that Burke traded for a franchise player.
Mike Komisarek – Convince Ron Wilson you’re capable of playing more than 10 minutes a night. Call Andrei Markov and sell him on the merits of re-uniting and playing for the Leafs.
Nikolai Kulemin – Catch that little rat Tyler Seguin with his head down. Or just start hitting more people in general.
Brett Lebda – Learn the names of everyone on the Marlies and become BFFs with Jeff Finger.
Clarke MacArthur – Clip your stats from the paper and send them to the Atlanta Thrashers. Don’t cry when they send back a clipping of the standings.
John Mitchell – Continue whatever it is you’re doing that makes Ron Wilson believe you’re a capable NHL player. If in doubt convince him your name is actually Luke Schenn.
Colton Orr – Advise Matt Carkner about the merits of taking out a hefty life insurance policy.
Dion Phaneuf – Learn to shoot with your eyes open with the goal of eventually hitting the net.
Luke Schenn – Try your hardest not to get inflicted with the loser disease that seems to affect everyone who plays here.
Fredrik Sjostrom – Start looking for a good real estate agent.
Kris Versteeg – Make people forget who Viktor Stalberg is (unless he does so himself).
Ron Wilson – Try to coach the special teams in a manner that can’t be described as laissez-faire.