Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Free To Be...Awful

The Toronto Maple Leafs have a theme song. It’s perfect. It’s perfect because it typifies how cocky and out of touch MLSE is. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about, you probably have not suffered the misfortune of watching a Leafs broadcast this season. At least not on LeafsTV, who insist on polluting my ear canal with it at every waking opportunity. The song is called “Free To Be” and it's by Alan Frew of Glass Tiger.

Who are Alan Frew and Glass Tiger you ask? Well if you’re a fan of 80s music you should know them as the artists that gave us the classic No. 1 Canadian (No. 2 American) single “Don’t Forget Me (When I’m Gone)

Now let it be known, I don’t hate Glass Tiger or Alan Frew. I like “Don’t Forget Me”. Its been on my 80s playlist for years. Other than that, I don’t know anything about their music and I have never come across anything to suggest I should investigate their catalogue. Nonetheless, this new Leafs theme is horrible and ridiculous. First a disclaimer: I am interpreting this song as a METAPHOR FOR LEAFS NATION, not for Canada. If we take the song to about Canada then it’s a nice patriotic tune. Let us investigate some lyrics.

From the Isle of Vancouver
To the Labrador Sea
One nation, glorious and free
Where I'm free to be me

Um…no. The rest of Canada hates Toronto. A documentary was even made about this: Let's All Hate Toronto. Even if some of that hate is tongue-in-cheek, one can be sure that Canadian hockey fans are certainly fed up with watching the Leafs as the national game on Hockey Night in Canada.

Heroes of times come and gone
Where the memories go on and on and on

Where memories are all we have left! Seriously MLSE, why do you keep forcing the good times down our throat. Why is every game night some inane celebration of times past? We all know things used to be good. And 80s night!? Are you fucking serious? The Leafs could barely top 50 points in the 80s! Who’s running this nostalgic love fest? Rogers Communications? Sorry, I’ll get my composure back…

Free to be a dreamer
Free to be who you are
Free to believe in your star
Free to go far
Oh! Oh! Oh! That's Canada's dream (Go Leafs Go)
Oh! Oh! Oh! This is Canada's team (Go Leafs Go

Encouraged to dream because dreaming allows us to forget reality. Encouraged to be who we are: Privileged Torontonians willing to shell out 300 bucks on a game night. Does Mikhail Grabovski believe he's a star? He does? That's nice for him I suppose.

Clearly MLSE decided to use an obscure song by an obscure artist in a delusional context. The aim was to be a rallying cry for Leafs Nation and to give the team and its fanbase the notion they should be proud of themselves. No one should be reveling in Leafs glory right now. It's great once and a while but not constantly. Certainly not when things are so dismal. I reject this theme song and propose we find another GTA band to write us a song that doesn't make a mockery of itself. I'll call Nickleback... what they're from Alberta? AND they're douche bags? Okay how about the Tragically Hip...Gord Downie is a Bruins fan you say? Sum 41 then...really?...they're MORE irrelevant than Alan Frew? Shit, how about those Billy Talent guys? Oh yeah, they already wrote a song about the leafs:

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