It is late July 2012. The scene opens in Brian Burke's office at the ACC. The Leafs haven't made the playoffs since 2004 and have finished in the bottom third of the league in each season of Burke's three-and-a-half year reign as GM.

He is sitting at his desk, tie untied, empty bottle of whisky in the trash can, as he looks at a sheet of paper titled "Toronto Maple Leafs Roster, 2012-13". It is making him sad. The margins of the page are filled with the names Ryan Getzlaf and Corey Perry, written over and over again in loopy handwriting, and set inside the centre of a heart. Burke also has scraps of paper on his desk with the words, "Will you be my No. 1 centre? Check yes or no. Sincerely, your secret admirer." He will be mailing them soon.

Burke takes a break from his current predicament to fondly remember his days in Anaheim. Winning. Truculence. No Mike Komisarek. Suddenly, Cliff Fletcher bursts through the door.

FLETCHER: It's your team, Burkie, something has got to be done about your team! Read this!

Fletcher hands Burke a newspaper from 2006. On the front page is a picture of Bryan McCabe and JFJ smiling and shaking hands.

BURKE: "The Toronto Maple Leafs have signed Bryan McCabe to a 5-year, $28.75 million contract, General Manager John Ferguson Jr. announced last night." Fletch, I already know about Bryan McCabe. Why are you making me read this garbage.

FLETCHER: You see, this one event starts a chain reaction that completely destroys the entire franchise. I already went further ahead into time to see what else happens. I backtracked everything to this one event, that's why we have to prevent this incident from ever happening.

Burke looks at Fletcher like he has two heads.

BURKE: Hold on, how are we supposed to stop something that has already happened?

FLETCHER: I did it. I finally did it. People have been wondering what I've been doing on the team payroll all these years, and I finally did it.

BURKE: Uh, did what?

FLETCHER: I built a time machine, Burkie—out of a Vespa.

Honestly, I have been really proud of this MSpaint-job I did sometime last year and I've had no idea when I could actually write a Cliff Fletcher post to use it on. To solve that problem I thought it was about time we start appreciating the wonder that was Cliff Fletcher's second time around in Toronto. He did sign Jeff Finger, which is always good for a few laughs, but that's no reason to consider his Toronto redux anything other than a complete success.

The Calgary Flames went through the pre-season without losing a game and convinced everyone in Calgary that their team would rebound from a disappointing 2009-2010 to contend in a tough Western Conference. Well, that certainly hasn’t happened. The Flames are currently second last in the Western Conference – only two points above the last placed Oilers.

In actuality, the Flames have been a major disappointment every year since they made a surprising run to the Stanley Cup Final in 2004. They got lucky in 2004. Kiprusoff played out of his mind, Iginla was good enough to carry the team, and the rest of the players were hard-working and chipped in big goals at opportune moments. Everything came together for the Flames that season. It was magical, and expecting the Flames to duplicate that run was insane.

They followed up that season by winning the Northwest Division in 2005-2006, but were upset by the Ducks in the first round. They failed to make it past the first round in each of the next three seasons and missed the playoffs entirely last year.

It isn’t surprising that the Flames have performed at this mediocre level. They’ve always been good enough to contend for a playoff spot, but never strong enough to actually make any substantial run at the Stanley Cup. They’ve essentially had a team good enough to stay afloat, but not good enough to actually excel.

This reminds me of a team I know well. This team I know had major problems like the Flames, but continued to bandage their cracks instead of fixing their Grand Canyon sized holes. This eventually led them to become one of the worst teams in the league.

In honour of Dion Phaneuf’s return to Calgary tomorrow night here are all the reasons why the Flames reflect the hapless Maple Leafs of the post-lockout. That sentence alone should convince the Flames that they desperately need to re-build.

After turning back the clock and examining the foulness of the JFJ era in Toronto I inevitably began to think of Andrew Raycroft and Vesa Toskala. How could I not? And anytime you think of either Raycroft or Toskala you have to think about how terrible they were.

I don’t know about you, but when I think of things like this I get mad. I know I shouldn’t. It’s silly to get worked up over sports, but I do. It saves me from getting upset over real things. There’s no hot water in the apartment today? Well, that sucks. But not as much as a .874 SV%.

As I thought about these two pseudo-goalies I began to wonder, which one do I dislike more?

Let’s make the case for each.

In honour of Jackass 3-D’s surprisingly warm reviews (7.5 on imdb, 67% on Rotten Tomatoes) and great opening weekend at the box-office ($50.4 million), I thought it would be appropriate to count down the dumbest stunts performed in Leafs history. Then I figured I could just as easily make a list of the ten dumbest moments in JFJ’s sordid tenure as Leafs’ GM. That’s not hard considering his most endearing feature is resembling Count Chocula.

Listing JFJ’s ten dumbest moments might be a little unfair considering he was really just a patsy for the Leafs’ inept ownership group. Allegedly, JFJ went to the board and asked permission to re-build the Leafs (either before or after the 2005-2006 season), but was rebuked. That’s the moment when he engaged in some of the most inept trades and signings anyone has seen since Mike Milbury attempted to murder the New York Islanders.

Plus, JFJ was woefully under qualified as a GM in the largest hockey market in the world and didn’t receive any help from disposed GM, and then current coach, Pat Quinn. According to Craig Button, who served under JFJ at the time, Ferguson was afraid to involve himself with anyone who could be seen as a threat to his power in the decision-making process. So he was dumb and didn't let anyone help him. Perfect.

Hiring a 36-year-old whose only experience in the NHL was a five-year stint as assistant GM of the St. Louis Blues isn’t the most intelligent decision. But that's not surprising considering MLSE is good at making money, not making savvy hockey decisions.

I’m sure Steve-o and Johnny Knoxville’s parents didn’t pay any attention to them as children, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t morons. Despite the mitigating factors surrounding JFJ’s tenure, he’s still an idiot.

Let me count the reasons why.

It’s not very hard to make fun of us fans comprising Leafs Nation. There is the obvious 1967 angle, the bogus trade history, botched drafts, the entire 1980s, and pretty much anything else that falls under the category of disappointments. Leafs Nation as a collective is also a source of hilarity. We’re just as despondent as we are optimistic. After one win we’re thinking playoffs and after one loss we’re lamenting Taylor Hall. The vacillation is incredible. Rick has been on and off the bandwagon so often this year he’s bought a monthly pass. We take everything a little too seriously and we love to get way ahead of ourselves. After one beauty goal we’ve penciled in Tyler Bozak as the number 1 centre for the foreseeable future. That’s Leafs Nation.

Being a maniacal member of Leafs Nation I keep my ear to the streets for any slight against the Leafs. That’s another characteristic, we’re extremely loyal and very quick to defend (no matter how rational an argument against). Fights over disparaging Mats Sundin remarks aren’t uncommon. However, there is a new source of criticism being thrown at Leafs Nation. That criticism concerns the bold new management team led by brash Brian Burke. Much of this criticism developed as a response to our proclamation that Burke was the saviour (not that we’d go all Jesus Price on everyone). We’re Leafs Nation; we work in hyperbole, not necessarily reality. I don’t need to defend Brian Burke. He’s loud and outspoken and his Stanley Cup ring speaks for itself. However, poor Dave Nonis gets lumped in with the Burke hate from traducers and receives ridicule for his role in the brief demise of the Vancouver Canucks (missing the playoffs twice in three years). The worst I’ve seen is him labeled as the man who ruined the Canucks. This is so malicious I just had to stick up for Nonis. I'm no hero, just doing my duty as a Leafs fan.

I’m a hater. Big time. It’s already well documented in the brief history of this website. I also hate pickles, incorrect use of there/their/they’re, and tennis. I do not hate Bryan McCabe. Neither should you. Booing McCabe’s returns to Toronto is ignorant.

Here’s a man who did everything he possibly could have as a member of the Toronto Maple Leafs and is now hated unconditionally. Cheering the return of Darcy Tucker, while simultaneously condemning McCabe’s is hypocritical.