Thursday, December 15, 2011

The Six Types of Fantasy Hockey Managers

This article originally appeared in the February issue of Puck Life, which was then solely a digital magazine. It has since gone to print and can be found in Chapters book stores across Canada. A year's subscription gets you 40% off the cover price! Wow, you'd have to be a fool not to buy that. And just wait, I'll even throw in my love. Ok, sales pitch over.

I've made only minor updates to the piece. One was making fun of people who take Phil Kessel in the first round, which has thankfully become a non-joke this year! Huzzah!

Fantasy hockey is blowing up in popularity. It combines some of the things men love the most: sports, gambling, and making fun of each other.

Whether you’re playing fantasy hockey with a bunch of friends or a group of strangers on the internet it’s likely you’ll encounter certain types of people. Here are six types of people who probably make up your league.

The Homer

This player is drafting their team through rose-coloured glasses. They’re convinced that this is the year that unheralded players from their favourite team finally breakout or that veterans resemble their former all-star selves, which was usually four years in the past. This is who drafts Vincent Lecavalier in the first round. When negotiating trades with these people make sure to throw in a player from their favourite team and they’re putty in your hands. The more irrationally passionate the fan base, the easier you can manipulate them.

The Absentee Parent

Marc Savard was their starting centre for the first two months of the year, despite having the glaring red ‘IR’ tag underneath his name. It’s unlikely that their line-up ever changes and there’s no chance they’ll respond to your trade offer. Playing this manager usually means you’re poised to shoot up the standings, but remember, nothing is more embarrassing than losing the week to someone who isn’t even paying attention.

The Burkie

Every league has a manager who severely overvalues his own players. If you send a reasonable trade offer it will be shot down immediately accompanied by a message telling you not to waste their time with such petty offers. If you aren't offering up your two best players, they probably aren't going to listen, regardless of the quality of their team. Good luck getting Tomas Kaberle from this owner.

The Newb

This poor sap desperately wants to play fantasy hockey, but doesn’t really know anything about the sport. They were happy taking Wade Redden in the fifth round and didn’t seem to understand why everyone laughed at them for picking Christobal Huet as their number one goalie. Sure, it’s easy to take advantage of this person in a trade, but you should feel bad about yourself if you do.

The Trade Spammer

It’s always fun when you see you have a trade offer, except when it’s from this person. You’re no doubt receiving an offer of Jay Bouwmeester and Ryan Malone for Sidney Crosby. This person’s theory is that the more offers they make, the more likely someone is to foolishly accept one. This is like the guy at the club who gives his number to every girl he sees. Eventually someone will be dumb enough to call him.

The Over-Analyzer

They showed up to the draft with three magazines and enough analysis printed off the internet to clear out a whole forest. They’ve meticulously debated between the merits of each player, except they’re totally incapable of deciding for themselves. They’ve been listening to podcasts all week and will just roll with whatever they’ve been told. If you’re doing a live draft you better hope there’s a time limit on each pick or else you could be here a while. This guy would be perfectly content letting his girlfriend pick out his clothes.

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