Monday, May 10, 2010

My Nightmare

tuukka rask bruins
A thousand pardons for my temporary disappearance from the interwebs. Well, not total disappearance because I’ve been cracking jokes at the expense of the Habs on twitter - because trying to make a handful of strangers laugh is the only thing worthwhile about twitter. The worst thing about twitter, aside from the absolute lack of thought required for it, is people who live tweet sports. We get it, you’re watching the game. So are we. We saw the goal.

Talking about twitter is worse than actually being on twitter. Alas.

Another reason for my temporary disappearance may be a job change. That’s really just an excuse because I was working pretty much the same amount of hours for the majority of this blog’s life at my previous job.

The real reason may be the lack of Maple Leaf news. I can’t just write pieces trashing Montreal and Vancouver non-stop. It’s been hard restraining myself. However, this isn't why I've been away.

The true reason I haven’t posted in some time is I’m rattled. I’ve been having night terrors. Terrible dreams that haunt me. Really it’s one dream. It’s a striking image that I can’t seem to shake.

My dream is set at the 2010 NHL Entry Draft.

If you didn’t already know, I’m a Leafs fan. You might also remember that the Leafs do not currently own a first round choice. Not only are they missing a first round choice, but the missing pick is the 2nd overall selection in the draft. The current holders of said treasure are the Boston Bruins.

I’ve wanted the Leafs to tank for a few years now and the year that they finally tank out in a blaze of agony is the same year that they don’t actually have their own first round pick. Is this how it felt to be a Leafs fan in the 1980s?

My dream is as follows. The Edmonton Oilers have already selected someone first overall. It doesn’t matter who, they’re Edmonton, they probably fucked it up. And if they didn't fuck it up then their pick will probably demand a trade soon enough.

The nightmare begins as the Boston Bruins upper management begin their slow walk to the podium. They’re clearly milking this moment to torture me.

TSN is broadcasting the ordeal and they’ve relentlessly dissected the draft for 72 hours straight. I’ve already seen 37 images of Tom Kurvers, 255 shots of Scott Niedermayer, and 2356 arguments over whether Taylor Hall will lead the Bruins to 20 Stanley Cups or 21.

Brian Burke isn’t around, but a bottle of scotch is probably close by. Unfortunately, I have no such solace. It’s like I’m in A Clockwork Orange, except instead of curbing the ol’ ultra violence I’m impeding my ability to enjoy sports.

And here comes Gary Bettman to the podium. It may be a nightmare, but the crowd reaction is still this.

"The second selection in the 2010 NHL Entry Draft belongs to the Stanley Cup champion Boston Bruins... via the Toronto Maple Leafs."

Kill me now. The Bruins won the Stanley Cup? And now instead of drafting 30th overall they are drafting second...

What's also disturbing is the slight, shadowy figure that is accompanying the litany of suits to the podium.

Oh no. Not him. It can’t be.

“The Stanley Cup champion Boston Bruins are proud to introduce the Conn Smythe winner of the 2010 NHL playoffs to announce our first round selection.”



The Bruins are killing me here. The Bruins as Stanley Cup champions would sound like an unlikely scenario months ago, but is now very much a possibility in reality and it’s weaselled its way into my subconscious.

Yes, the worst offensive team in the league has won the Stanley Cup in my nightmare. This was a team so desperate for goals that they dug up the corpse of Miro Satan and rejuvenated him with unicorn blood. A team that played Mark Recchi substantial minutes - the same Mark Recchi that supplements his NHL salary with social security paycheques.

Not only are the Bruins now drafting a potential franchise player the year they won the Stanley Cup with the Leafs first round pick, but they won the Stanley Cup on the prodigious skills of the Leafs’ former first round pick, Tuukka Rask.

Oh, Tuukka Rask, right. Remember when Andrew Raycroft set the Toronto Maple Leafs franchise record for wins in a season? Yup, 37 wins out of 245 games started in a single season. And then he was run out town for being an overall terrible goalie. And the Leafs traded the 2010 Conn Smyth winner for that bum.

Now Tuukka is rubbing that in my face. He’s taking pleasure in doing this to the Leafs. Vindictive little prick.

Yup, my life has come to this - being tormented by dreams. Just another day in Leafs Nation.


Anonymous said...

wow this is really original, a jaded, delusional Leafs fan who rips on teams far better than his own and has nightmares about the repercussions of the horrible mismanagement that is MLSE.

Matt Horner said...

Actually, the Oilers were the only team worse than the Leafs.

Anonymous said...

Hire Brian Burke to work on a long-term rebuild, then he turns around and ditches all his draft picks in favour of an unproven American sniper, then he says that he's too old for a 5 year rebuild. Sorry Leafs fans, but you're gonna be getting fucked for all of the foreseeable future.

Matt Horner said...

You're right. Burke has only turned the Leafs into one of the youngest teams in the league, acquired a 25-year-old defenceman who only two years ago everyone was salivating over, rid the team of almost all their terrible contracts, drafted one of the CHL's leading scorers, signed the best goalie not in the NHL, signed tons of college free agents who cost the team no assets, and still has a pretty valuable trade chip (Kaberle). But you're totally right, the Leafs are fucked for the rest of their existence.

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