Friday, January 22, 2010
Last night was the season finale of the Jersey Shore. If you’ve been living under a rock for the past few months then you may not know about the Jersey Shore. It’s a reality TV show produced by MTV (who else) surrounding the lives of 8 self proclaimed guidos and guidettes living in a beach house in Seaside Heights. It’s absolutely terrible, probably the worst TV show ever made and that’s bad considering The Hills has a dozen spin-offs. But in its odiousness it is actually pretty brilliant. It’s like watching a sex show in Amsterdam featuring a midget and a half-ton chick. You don’t want to watch, but you’re absolutely absorbed by the horrific scene in front of you.
I also watched a horrific scene unfold in the Leafs game last night against the Lightning. No point talking about a loss that has a dozen identical games. Either they get blown out huge or lose late in gut wrenching fashion. Where’s the intrigue?
In honour of these two monstrosities I’m unveiling the most vacuous post you will ever see on this site. I’m going to attempt to analyze each Jersey Shore cast member and find their Toronto Maple Leafs counterpart. Have I undertaken a task too large? Have I completely lost it? Watching the Toronto Maple Leafs play this season has done this to me.
Angelina = Justin Pogge
Technically, Justin Pogge isn’t on the Leafs this season. But Angelina was hardly on the Jersey Shore this season. You may remember Angelina as the stuck up bartender who claimed she did great things. She also had a boyfriend who was married to someone else. Classy chick. She left the show early, but not before cock-blocking everything in sight. The Leafs sent Pogge packing early into his NHL career after posting a few underwhelming relief appearances and a few mediocre seasons in the minors. Basically these two were nothing pieces to a horrendous team. While no one longs to see Angelina block the Situation and Pauly D from giving every girl on the boardwalk VD, every Leafs fan curses the wasted promise of Justin Pogge. Angelina wasted a spot on the Shore that could have gone to a sassy fat chick, while Pogge wasted a spot that rightfully belonged to Tukka Rask. TUKKKKKKKKKKKKAAAAA!
Vinnie = Rickard Wallin
The most boring member of the Jersey Shore cast and the most boring member of the Leafs. Does either do anything of value? Vinnie hooked up with the boss’ girl in one episode and later had a robbery pulled on him by the Situation. Wallin has missed a few open nets, just like Vinnie has missed scoring at every opportunity. When you hang around Pauly D and the Situation all you have to do is wait for their scraps to come your way. Vinnie could have even played up his emotional side as the counter to the player ways of Pauly D and the Situation. Instead Vinnie chose to wear glasses and get pink eye from a fat chick. Rickard Wallin is so boring that when he played a few forgettable games centring Kessel he made Kessel appear sluggish. Ya, he missed a few open nets, too. That’s it!
Ronnie = Colton Orr
This is really a no brainer. Both fight and both kick some serious ass. Ronnie not only one-punched some guy, but he also mauled another guy while a drunken chick took shots at him. When neither of these guys fight they’re pretty useless. When Ronnie hangs out with Sammi Sweetheart I may as well change the channel. Nothing good can come of it. People watch the Shore to see VD being spread like a California wild fire. We don’t want relationships, no matter how dysfunctional. When Carkner filled in Orr’s eye during his retribution match it went severely down-hill for Colton. Wilson kept dressing him out of respect, but everyone knew he couldn’t do anything since the entire left-side of his face was black. Scenes where Ronnie hangs out with Sammi are equivalent to the games Orr played with his broken face.
Sammi Sweetheart = Jason Blake
If Darcy Tucker were still a Leaf then this would definitely be him. Sammi sells everything to the extreme. She over-reacts to everything, especially Ronnie’s harmless push that “traumatized” her. I’ve been pushed harder at a buffet. She also lost it when Ronnie referenced her big toe as her Fred Flinstone toe. They almost broke up over that. Blake is constantly being thrown in harm’s way, much of it by his own will, just like drama that seemingly follows Sammi (spoiler: she’s secretly behind it all). When Blake gets hit it looks like he’s been shot. And he gets up with the same dumbfounded expression on his face every time. Blake is also the most unlikeable Leaf and provokes inter-squad fighting, primarily with Grabovski (but that’s only because he’s a little ratty and doesn’t care Blake has cancer).
Jwoww = Mikhail Grabovski
Both are talented players. Both are surprisingly tough considering their outside exterior. Grabovski is an undersized Belarussian who plays with a nasty streak, while Jwoww is a girl with a proclivity for sucker punching trashy girls in bars and taking a few crack shots at the Situation. While both are talented (Grabovski puts up a surprising amount of points and Jwoww has large, fake breasts), they are both absent for large stretches of time. There are episodes where you don’t see Jwoww for more than one or two scenes. Is she nursing an especially large hang-over after a night on the town or is she taking her skanky ways on the road? Likewise, Grabovski can become largely invisible many nights. He’s injured now, but I haven’t even seen a shot of him in the press box. Like Jwoww, he’s probably out on the town trying to get a piece of action. Or at least fighting a bitch.
Snooki = Lee Stempniak
The ultimate tease. Snooki has so many opportunities to score, yet never does. She always claims she wants to, but then decides she’ll make her boy watch the sunrise, or better yet, she gets thrown up on by someone especially wasted. Even the episode where she cartwheels with her vagina hanging out ends with her going home empty. I thought we’d get to see Snooki ruin the lives of a few unsuspecting males. Alas, it was all for naught. Lee Stempniak has the most opportunities to score on the Leafs, yet he never does. It's amazing that he has only 13 goals because he gets thousands of glorious opportunities which he never buries. Whenever someone is left wide-open or has a breakaway it’s always Stempniak and he always comes up empty. Stempniak is wasting his hockey talents (or at least it’s assumed he has some after scoring 27 goals in 2006-2007) just like Snooki is wasting her slutting talents.
Pauly D = Phil Kessel
The coolest member of the Shore and the coolest member of the Leafs. Both take a back seat to their more prominent teammate/employer, but both are much more important. Pauly D and the Situation are inexorably linked, just like Burke and Kessel. The success of Kessel will ultimately define Burke, just like it’s often Pauly D who delivers the Situation with prime girls to score with. While the Situation is the face of the show, it’s truly Pauly D that consistently delivers the goods. The Situation only gets with nasty chicks unless Pauly D acts as his wingman. Without Pauly D, the Situation would be swamped with the trashiest girls to ever grace television. Without Kessel, Burke would have the absolute worst team in the league.
The Situation = Brian Burke
Just like fake tanning has aged the Situation considerably, taking the position of Maple Leafs GM has quickly aged Brian Burke. I actually watched the Jersey Shore on a HD TV last night and that clarity is not kind to the Situation’s face. He may be 27, but his face is 47. Watching it on my computer wasn’t bad, but blown up on the big screen emphasized his massive wrinkles and leathery skin. Furthermore, both love to hear their own voices. In some regard both overshadow their show/team. Burke is a bombastic guy who lets his feelings be known, regardless if anyone actually wants to hear them. And despite all their grandstanding maybe both aren’t quite as good as they proclaim (sacrilege, I know).