During my time at university, my friends Jake and Tom wrote a hockey version of Space Jam titled "World Heroes". It was so much more than that simple description, however.
It was a big hit among our friend group and made its 1500-word debut on Paul Maurice's Wikipedia page, where it lasted a few days before someone took it down. It was a constant topic of conversation, an endless source of hilarity, and even the inspiration for Halloween costumes. It eventually spawned a Facebook group that surprisingly attracted people who weren't in our friend group and consisted of people arguing over how badass a fictional Paul Maurice really was. He was much more badass than that fictional Chuck Norris, for the record.
I recently found the original story on my computer and just had to share it. Now, this is a period piece. There are players that made the alien-battling squad that seem laughable today, but it was written around 2006, so keep that in mind. Also, the roster was almost constantly changing and tongue-in-cheek at times; for example, at one point Roger Federer was playing defence. So, if you argue that so-and-so should have made it, then you're missing the point.
Aside from some minor grammatical changes, the story is the same as it was originally written.
In 2009, Zorp Orgad, a representative of the Martian Republic of Power
will descend upon Earth and demand a seven-game series between the best
possible compilation of human players and the Martian All-Stars. The
Martians state that if the humans either decline or lose the series the
Earth will be destroyed.
Shortly thereafter a team of players
was assembled by Earth, aptly named "World Heroes". That day and the
several weeks following would witness the most important inter-galactic
Ice Hockey battle to ever take place, and arguably the most decisive
moments in the 4.5 billion years of Earth's history.
Captained
by the incredible Joe Sakic, World Heroes consisted of the nineteen
finest men on the planet. Joe Sakic, Jarome Iginla, Alexander Ovechkin,
Sidney Crosby, Jaromir Jagr, Peter Forsberg, Mats Sundin, Henrik
Zetterberg, Dany Heatley, Gary Roberts, Teemu Selanne, and Chris Drury
filled out the forwards. Even as impressive was the defence, led by
Scott Niedermayer, and accompanied by Nicklas Lidstrom, Chris Pronger,
Tomas Kaberle, Dion Phaneuf, and Jason Smith. Martin Brodeur was named
the lone goaltender.
Though the team had been named, the world
was still in need of a leader. On August 7th, 2009 the United States
Government had no choice but to name Paul Maurice, currently on tour
with the ILKF (International League of Knife Fighting), the coach of the
team that would decide the fate of the Earth.
Immediately
following his appointment as coach of World Heroes there were several
attempts made on the life of Paul Maurice by Martian spies as well as
the bitter Lindy Ruff, all of which were easily avoided and the
attackers were swiftly dismembered.
When quizzed about the events Paul Maurice shrugged and promptly responded, "I've killed before and I'll kill again."
As you can imagine, controversy was rife even before the puck was dropped.
Allegations of outrageous cocaine use and constant solicitation of
hookers were thrown at Maurice relentlessly by the media. On top of
that, he had recently been arrested for the possession of thirty-two
thousand guns and several rocket launchers. He publicly silenced his
critics by staring into the news camera for thirty minutes without a
blink. The world took notice. This was the man they needed, this was the
man we wanted. The hero was born.
Outside of the Paul Maurice
media circus there were other pressing dilemmas. Joe Sakic,
controversial captain of World Heroes, was coming off his worst season
ever, with only 12 goals and 48 points and a minus-19 plus/minus rating.
Sakic and the Colorado Avalanche had missed the playoffs for the first
time in the team’s history. A large group of would-be supporters, led by
Jason Spezza, who was surprisingly omitted from the team, called for
the prompt departure of captain Joseph Sakic.
At a press
conference leading up to the series, Jason Spezza unleashed a verbal
battering against Sakic. Before Sakic was able to reply Paul Maurice
clutched Spezza by the throat and punched out the whiny centreman.
The stage was set. Games one, two, five and seven were to be played on
Earth, while games three, four and six would be held on Mars. The Earth
games were played in Rexall Place, Edmonton, Madison Square Gardens, New
York, CSKA Sport Palace, Moscow and Maple Leaf Gardens, Toronto. All
games on Mars were played on the dreaded thirty-nine kilometre high,
eight-hundred and fifty thousand seat Mount Olympus Chaos Arena. When
questioned about whether he and his players would suffer a disadvantage
playing in such a location, Maurice responded by saying, "I'm sure we'll
enjoy the scenery," and took another puff of his cigarette.
Thus, the series began with Maurice looking on.
Games one and two were won easily by the Martian All-Stars. With 6-0
and 10-1 victories, respectively, World Heroes were collectively brought
to their knees and the global population silenced. Hope dwindled.
On the shuttle flight to Mars, Paul Maurice gave what is now known, in
Martian, as the "DALA-GRAK", the most inspiring and prolific speech ever
given. Onlookers still wonder whether a small piece of the late Winston
Churchill had been reborn inside the man who spoke before them.
In closing, Paul Maurice declared "Times will change... era's end...
but we are all forever men, and as men, we write the pages of history
and history does not end anytime soon."
Game 3 began.
World Heroes came out firing. They went ahead 2-0 in the first period on
goals by Peter Forsberg and Henrik Zetterberg. The human side would
have been ahead by even more if it had not been for the superb
goaltending displayed by Nebulus-9.
The second period saw a
dramatic change in play. With several questionable penalties called
against World Heroes, the Martian All-Stars were able to capitalize and
net three power play goals. Our Heroes were shocked. Going into the
third period, World Heroes faced the possibility of falling to an
insurmountable 3-0 series deficit.
With their biggest stars
failing to impress and hope fading fast, it was the young Henrik
Zetterberg who played the role of saviour. Two late goals in the dying
minutes gave himself a hat-trick and gave World Heroes a badly needed
victory.
Game 4 had quite a buzz while Head Coach Paul Maurice
was badly hungover. While outing his smoke on Chris Drury's neck he
looked on at the dressing room wall with brutal contempt. The demons
inside Paul Maurice could not go unnoticed. Unaware of how his present
condition affected his team, World Heroes lost the game 4-1 in what is
generally regarded as the most lacklustre effort by a group of men.
Contributing to the pain was the tragic death of a World Hero... Henrik
Zetterberg. Caught squarely in the jaw by the shoulder of Rakton Klack,
the Swedish Game 3 star was killed instantly. Paul Maurice, at the time,
could hardly have noticed. He would.
Maurice was the first to
realize the blame for the events of Game 4 fell solely on his shoulders.
He was determined to make amends. He promised himself he would kick the
alcohol for the remainder of the series, cigarettes and women would
have to do.
On a more personal matter, Paul Maurice sought out
and murdered Rakton Klack. He was ready to go back to Earth, he was
ready to win.
Games 5 and 6 saw World Heroes put together some
fine performances and force a game 7, with Alexander Mogilny coming out
of retirement to replace the deceased Zetterberg and play some very
fine, smart, and quality defensive hockey. As good as the Martian
All-Stars were, World Heroes were that much better.
With
victory no longer a certainty, the Martian Republic of Power turned to
more devious tactics in order to win the series. They set out to end
Paul Maurice's tenure as coach of World Heroes... permanently.
On the day of the Game 6 victory two Martian police officers were killed
during a routine traffic stop. Somehow, Mars Judicial Council of
Judgement placed Maurice under arrest for both murders. He was being
framed.
When asked "how do you plan on defending yourself?"
Paul Maurice explained that he would be his own attorney. As he was
being mocked by the Martian judge for defending himself, Paul Maurice
responded in a rising whisper and said, "Well, your honour... the best
defence... is a good offence." After which he pulled out two guns and
began unloading on those present in the courtroom. Once the guns were
quieted the chase was on. Maurice leapt through the third floor
courthouse window and fled the thousands of rampaging Martian soldiers
who were hot on his tail. Maurice could see the end of his road, the
Martian gorge opened up before him with his attackers still
trailing—bullets whizzing past his head like flies. With no other
choice, Paul Maurice leapt into the gorge. Shortly after jumping Paul
Maurice ignited his jetpack, leaving the Martians in the dust.
Game 7 was here.
World Heroes hit the ice with intensity never before seen by men. They
grabbed the opening goal on a classic Joe Sakic wrist-shot from just
above the hash marks. The Martians, however, would not lay down and went
on to score the next three goals. Stunned but not beaten, World Heroes
fought back, once again led by Joe Sakic. A one-timer through the
five-hole and a shorthanded goal that Nebulus-9 would certainly like to
have back tied the game for World Heroes. Still, the Martians took the
lead again before the end of the second. Though unrecorded, whatever it
was that Maurice said in the dressing room was undoubtedly the deciding
factor. Tying the game was Joe Sakic with his fourth goal. It would come
down to overtime.
It was once again Joe Sakic scoring the goal
with Paul Maurice looking on with adoring eyes. Scott Niedermayer
sprung Joe Sakic on a breakaway where he fired the puck over the glove
hand of the Martian 'tender. World Heroes had won, Earth was safe.
Bonds between captains and coaches have come and gone, but this was
different. And while the glory was sweet, the battle for Maurice had not
ended, the bitter taste remained. As a gesture of love to the father he
never had, Joe Sakic cut the "C" out of his jersey and gave it to Paul.
Then, with heavy heart, watched the world's most dangerous man blast
away into the sky... forever.
I will never forget the sacrifice Henrik Zetterberg made for this planet. RIP
ReplyDeleteThanks Hank, RIP.
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